HAUHP
by Inkblot98
Summary: Hilarious Alternate Universes of Harry Potter presents you... tales that will guarantee you an uncontrollable burst of laughter. From Hogwarts as a boot camp, to Quidditch played with fruit, and to Harry/Hermione, young love! Please read and review!
1. Boot Camp

**Hilarious Alternate Universes of Harry Potter (HAUHP)**

**Okay… short intro. As you can probably tell from the title (or you're just blind), this FanFiction is going to be all about the many different possible alternate universes of Harry Potter. You're probably sitting there, like, _what the heck is an alternate universe? _Well, has anyone heard of a _parallel _universe? It's when everything is just opposite. It's just random variations of Harry Potter. This idea has probably already been developed by like, a hundred different authors, but here's my version. Full disclaimer: I don't own any material of Harry Potter, etc.**

**One of the main reason I made this FanFiction story is to give you peeps some little reward. I mean, you just had a REALLY stressful day, what with homework and work, so I am offering free hugs! No, just kidding. But seriously, I'm here to offer you... a relief to your life!**

**Remember, any new ideas you want me to add to this story, no matter how crazy, warped, random, stupid, etc, etc, just post a review and I'll get back to you on it. So, without further ado,**

**Let the fun begin!**

**What if… Hogwarts Was a Boot Camp?**

_"Get up, you lazy bums, and if I catch you sleeping the next time I get here, there'll be detention!"_

Harry groaned, and started leaking tears of frustration. Well, so would you if a hairy giant woke you up every day at 3 in the morning!

The giant's name was Hagrid, and everyone hated him. Everyone except the teachers. They believed that Hagrid was _shaping all the student's future lives. _However, the crucial point remained: what's the point of a future if you're going to be worked to death at Hogwarts?

Harry hated Hogwarts, every square inch of it. He hated the Forbidden Forest, where the students had to snatch their morning and dinner food away from the various beasts that lived there. Was a bowl of gray slop and mysterious junky meat really worth a bite from a Fanged Geranium? Harry shuddered, and rubbed his tender behind, wincing at the sting. Maybe he'll skip the food today.

Harry especially hated his dormitory. The beds were hard, the sheets were as cold as ice, and on top of it all, Harry was sure he felt something crawling around when he was shivering from the cold. But when he was _just _starting to get warm, there was that Hagrid, whom Harry would _love _to get even with someday.

Harry jumped out of his bed, and pulled his robes on. _Wait a second… _what happened to the arm sleeve? It was all torn and frayed around the edges. _Oh, that blasted Fang! _Fang was Hagrid's pet dog. But the way Hagrid treated him, more like his princess. Fang was allowed to wander around Hogwarts anywhere, anytime he liked to. All the curses and spells that kept the students from wandering and escaping did not seem to apply to him. Harry pulled out his wand, and muttered, "_Repar-!"_

_"Doing magic, are we now, Mr. Potter?"_

Harry gulped. Hagrid with his wild beard had materialized in front of him. The stuff of nightmares. Harry smelled the rancid breath of… raw fish? Raw _bark?_ _Revolting. _

"Sir, I thought this was a school of magic!"

Hagrid's face got beet red. _"Trying to be SMART with me, lad? Do I look stupid to you? Two hundred points from Gryffindor!"_

Harry felt like he was going to faint. "Two… two _hundred_?"

Hagrid suddenly grinned. _"Not two hundred, dimwit. More like… two hundred thousand!"_

From a far off distance, something cracked. The hourglass…?

A blinding rage of fury rose in Harry. He took his wand, pointed at Hagrid, and yelled, "_Turn this stupid, fat oaf… green!"_

Hagrid gave a moan of pain. His face suddenly sprouted with green tentacles. He rose to his feet, and made a lunging motion with his hands.

"Run for it, Harry!" yelled this red haired boy who Harry especially hated because of his freckles.

Harry ran for it. He ran down the steps, out the door, and collided with a very bushy haired girl.

"Watch it!" she yelled, her large front teeth protruding.

"Sorry, there's this maniac- A large roar issued from the ceiling- chasing me!"

"That is dreadfully serious! Here," The girl waved her wand, and a large and heavy book appeared ahead of her.

"Look, I'm not trying to be mean, but do you really think I have the time to read a book?"

"No, silly! Hit him over the head with the book! What else do you want to do with it?"

Harry looked at Hermione like she was his life saver (which, technically, she was). "Be right back!" he called over his back as he ran up the stairs to his dorm.

Hagrid was looking as mean as ever. All the beds have collapsed, with most of the boys still inside. Harry could hear moans of pain as the stiff bed sheet trapped them.

"Hey Hagrid!" Harry called.

Hagrid spun around. "You little piece of-"

But he could never finish his sentence, as it was cut off when the book soared and hit him straight in the face. Hagrid was knocked out instantly.

Harry cheered. Hogwarts was saved! He rescued the other boys from their fetal positions and told everyone the glorious news.

Later that day, as Harry went into the Great Hall where all the students were running laps, everyone immediately started cheering and whooping. Harry was feeling pretty good himself, until Professor Dumbledore made him run a hundred laps.

In the Forest.

**WOW! Done with the first chapter! WOOO! So what did you peeps think? Don't be afraid to give me warped and random ideas of what YOU think the next chapters should be (i.e., Dumbledore gets a haircut, Hogwarts turns into Candyland, etc, etc.) You people are AWESOME for reading this fanfiction! Stay tuned for the next one, and DON'T FORGET to review! Thanks guys and girls so much for reading this!**


	2. Snape, The Nicest Teacher

**Hilarious Alternate Universes of Harry Potter**

**What, after the Boot Camp episode you still want more HAUHP? **

**First things first,**

**Thanks so much to smyrma and ipodrocker16 for reviewing! You peeps really really really made my day! **

**Remember, the incentive for raising 5 review is... UPDATE ON NEW CHAPTER! (Just what you wanted!)**

**So, in conclusion, (wow, that was dorky), ****Let the fun begin!**

**What if… Snape was The Nicest Teacher Ever? **

**September 1****st****, 1991**

_The following excerpt is from Harry's diary, from his first few days of Hogwarts. _

Dear Diary,

I've landed at Hogwarts, the most wonderful school ever! The castle is magnificent, with wide, sweeping staircases and moving portraits. Dudley would pass out just at the sight of all the food in the Great Hall. I never had that much in my life!

The classes are supposed to start tomorrow. I'm so excited- I hope I get Potions first! It definitely sounds the coolest and the most awesome thing around.

Well, see you, Diary!

**September 2****nd****, 1991**

Dear Diary,

I got Potions first thing every day! Just looking at those tiny words gave me a stab of euphoria. Potions! Hagrid had told me that my mom had loved potions, and I bet that rubbed off!

Potions is amazing! The classroom is on the fourth floor, where it was warm and airy. It was huge! The class could fit, like, a manticore and still would have space!

And don't even get me started with Professor Snape. He's the nicest teacher in this whole school, there's no competition. Today, when he was calling out names, he said, "Harry Potter. Our new… celebrity." Then he winked at me. "Hundred points to Gryffindor to Harry for defeating the Dark Lord!"

Everyone around me started clapping. I took a bow.

For the next hour, Professor Snape played a game with us, called: Name That Potion. When he asked me what you get if you added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood, I immediately replied, "The Draught of Living Death, O Honorable Sir!" To that, he said "Harry, my dear boy, you just earned yourself sixty house points!"

Professor Snape did not treat the other members of my class the same way he treated me. Take Draco Malfoy, for instance. When he answered his question correct, Professor Snape just merely sneered. Also, he yelled at Hermione Granger, that bossy know-it-all in our class, for telling Neville Longbottom the answer to his question.

He was also the only teacher in the whole school who didn't give homework on the first day. "I reckon that just getting used to Hogwarts would be homework enough, don't you think?"

Good bye, Diary!

**September 3****rd****, 1991**

Professor Snape got me thinking. What happens if I made a potion and surprised him at it! I'll be the first ever student to have achieve such a miraculous feat!

So I set out to find my ingredients to make a basic Strengthening Solution. I found all the ingredients pretty easily, because they were all in the Common Room, like the petals of a daisy! However, I got stuck on Horse's Mane, because as far as I know, there aren't horses in Hogwarts. So I decided to cut some of Hagrid's beard hair- he has so many extras! But I don't think he was too happy. He was swearing at me while I ran back to the castle.

To make a long story short, the potion didn't work. In fact, it exploded in the Great Hall as I was heating it. The smell and the smoke would probably never desert the Hall. However, my goal was accomplished- Severus Snape was the only one in the room applauding, a big smile on his face.

Later, Alligator!

**If you're ready for the next chapter, please press the continue key and read on. :) **

**Thanks peeps so much for reading this chapter! Let's get those reviews up! ****Until the next one, bye!**


	3. Fruity Quidditch

**Hilarious Alternate Universes of Harry Potter**

**The third chapter already... wow... **

**What if… Quidditch Was Played With Pieces of Fruit?**

Harry's heart was beating frantically. His first ever game of Quidditch was about to go on in… thirty minutes and twenty seconds. Wait… make that eighteen.

Harry had been training for the whole past week. He just despised the big ol' pineapples aiming for his head.

"Would all students please exit the school in an orderly manner and go to the Quidditch Field?"

The whole class leapt and whooped. Harry felt like he was going to faint. _Oh no. If I don't manage to get the Golden Grape, Gryffindors would hate me forever. But of course, I'll be popular with the Slytherins…_

Harry leapt to his feet and ran out the door, right outside. _Splat! _Harry wiped off pieces of pineapple off his face.

"Hey, Potter, get used to that in the game! Loser!" Malfoy and his cronies, Crabbe and Goyle, laughed like idiots.

"Go die in a hole, Malfoy. At least I'm _earning _points for my House. How many have you lost, like 200 points?" Chortling, Harry ran into the Gryffindor Changing Room.

"Alright, team. We have the perfect opportunity to win. The whole Slytherin team has had the flu this week- (Fred and George started laughing. "Haha, that was brilliant, George, putting laxatives in their soup!)- so we actually have a pretty good chance. Get out there and play your best. Fred and George, keep those pineapples away. LET'S GO GRYFFINDORS!"

The whole team cheered.

"On my whistle. Three, two, one, GO!" Madam Hooch screeched.

Fourteen players rose in the air, donned in either Green or Red. Harry noticed that some of them were green, not just their robes. He grinned. Serves them right.

"The Watermelon is out, and the game begins!"

Harry flew out of the squabble as the whole mass scrambled to catch the spinning watermelon. Harry looked across from him. The Slytherin Seeker, a fat moron whose weight caused his broom to lower slightly, seem to mirror Harry's action.

_Wham! _

"OWWWW!" Pieces of pineapple slid down Harry's face. The crowd started laughing.

"Fred! You piece of dragon dung!"

Swearing under his breath, Harry zoomed around the stadium, looking for the Golden Grape.

"AND HERE WE GO. KATIE BELL, GRYFFINDOR'S CHASER, HAS MANAGED TO SEIZE THE WATERMELON FROM AUDREY, SYTHERIN'S CHASER. FLYING UP THE PITCH, NOW, AIMING FOR THE GOAL HOOP, AND YES! SHE MADE IT! TEN POINTS TO GRYFFINDOR!"

Lee Jordan's voice rang over the din. The watermelon zoomed past the hoop and smashed the ground, breaking up into billions of pieces. Then, suddenly, the pieces flew back together, and flew back up in the air. Angelina Johnson immediately caught it, and flew way up, with three Slytherin Chasers tailing her.

Harry's eyes reached Oliver Wood. He was yelling at him, pointing at something. _Something way down on the ground. _With a startling jolt, Harry realized that the fat Slytherin Seeker found the Grape. Harry immediately flew all the way down, reaching out for the Golden Grape.

The fat Seeker bumped Harry slightly. To Harry, it felt like an earthquake. (**No Offense) **He fell off his broom, and the Seeker opened his mouth wide, screaming "I CAUGHT THE-"

"ECCHH!"

The Slytherin Seeker caught the Golden Grape in his mouth, and he was choking on it! Harry ran over, and punched the Seeker as hard as he could. The Golden Grape fell out, and Harry caught it.

"YES! THE GRYFFINDOR SEEKER CAUGHT THE GOLDEN GRAPE! THE GAME OFFICIALLY ENDS, WITH 150 POINTS TO GRYFFINDOR! GRYFFINDOR WON WITH 160 POINTS, SLYTHERIN 0!"

Harry grinned, and then laughed. _I won! I'm the hero of the school!_

_Wham! _The second pineapple slammed in the side of his head. Harry sank to the ground, pieces of yellow chunks around him.

**What a cliffhanger ending, right? But too bad for Harry.**

**Until next one, bye!**


	4. NOT A CHAPTER Suggestion Box

**HAUHP Suggestion Box!**

**Hey my peeps,**

**You saw the first three chapters, right? Boot camp, Snape the Nicest Teacher, and Fruity Qudditch. **

**If you have an original idea, please suggest it as a review. I will make a whole new story out of it, and YOUR name would be featured as co-creator! **

**So, any wacky, warped, random, crazy, stupid, and funny idea, just post it as a review, and you may just see it as a chapter!**

**Remember to Review it!**


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